More Dark Forces

Consider, dear reader, the evidence before me.

Over the previous week, the LCD display of my landline handset burned out. Then I experienced a 56 hour hiatus in my broadband connection. Simultaneously, the telephones at my Office failed. Not the whole building, you understand...just my organisation. This problem went uncorrected until Friday. Then on Friday afternoon, our mobile telephones all failed -cut off for "non payment" when that payment had been authorised a fortnight before (of course I am no stranger to dunning tradesmen but to be cut off when one has actually paid them!).

On restoration of the service, one handset would not function properly...mine. It did not return to full service until late Friday night. And then to cap the lot, yesterday my Satnav became mute, lagged a constant 50m behind where my motor actually was, and finally became completely insane , unable to decide where I was and then randomly altering the advised route as I came up to junctions. It was flung to the back of the car with coarse imprecations, and I proceeded to navigate by the stars.

All this is worrying enough, but there is more. I walked up Chancery Lane this morning and found that someone had smashed one of the windows of Ede and Ravenscroft (Tailors, Legal Outfitters and Gown Makers). Unconnected? I think not.

Clearly, I am the victim of a "cyberwar" campaign, coupled with a complex "psyops" attack on all that I hold dear. Jermyn Street has already gone to Black Special alert on my advice, whilst Crockett and Jones are at defcon 4. We must be ready for anything.

I ask you, what is the only logical conclusion to be reached from this sorry tale? I "name the guilty men" regarding my internet problems, and this is my reward. This goes beyond the reach even of Trotskyites, Bakuninites, and degenerate cosmopolitan lackeys of global capitalism. I sense the hand of a Certain Foreign Power. Oh yes... The CIA, black helicopters, the New World Order, the Skull and Bones society, Abercrombie and Fitch (Damn them!) ... all play a part.

Well, in the immortal words of Terry Thomas, I will not be cowed. Your correspondent will continue to expose the knavish tricks of Johnny Foreigner, no matter what the cost. I am ready to pay the ultimate price.

If just one of you starts to wear decent, Northampton-made shoes - if a single moustache burgeons because of my words - if I inculcate in anybody a profound love of Tweed...then it will not have been in vain.