A Modest Proposal

I recently saw, (in a reputable publication) some interesting satellite photographs of the Alaskan coast in July 2006 and 2007. What was interesting about them is that in July 2006 one could see the extensive sheets of permanent polar ice just offshore. In 2007, they had gone. Vanished. The Permanent Polar ice cap, which is estimated to have existed for about 100,000 years, appears to be melting.

The publication which showed the photographs stated that they had recently been declassified by the US Government. The previous administration, it is implied, kept this matter secret. This was, in my view, a most laudable policy. The information was not a necessary part of the daily life of the normal western citizen and could have caused them distress. It could have led to members of society asking difficult and unhelpful questions. This is not to be encouraged.

But I digress: my point is that climate change appears to be happening. The curious thing is that in a way, why it is happening is immaterial. If it is not caused by humanity, there is presumably nothing we can do. And if it is caused by humanity, we will do nothing.

This may seem pessimistic, but I hope that, if this blog teaches anything, it is that we are a vain, stupid, weak and greedy species. My last post was a fine example of our inability to resist temptation and our supreme capacity for idiotic and wasteful self-indulgence. To quote the great Paracelsus; “as above, so below”. By which I mean the moral turpitude, selfishness and stupidity that informs our personal and quotidian choices (drinking excessively and extravagantly, wasting money on fripperies) also informs our wider choices. Or rather the abdication of choice that we indulge in. We do not reform unless and until we are made to. And no-one is making us reform on sustainability or climate change. So I take the view that no matter what the cause is, the process will not stop. The polar ice will melt. Sea levels will rise, weather patterns alter, and rain will stop play with monotonous regularity at Lord’s. I shall be dead soon enough so it won’t bother me. The world will endure it so I have no concerns there. We might suffer as a species but that’s nothing to me. Human extinction is, as I have remarked before, one of my policy goals.

It’s the Polar bears I am worried about. They face a bleak future without the permanent ice sheet. They will find it hard to feed, to breed, to live as they did. They may well become extinct. If they do, they would have some justification, I feel, in blaming us. So I have a modest proposal.

My proposal is that the World’s polar bear population is drugged, trapped, and transported to the great cities of the world where small breeding groups should be released. The bears, being efficient and voracious hunters, should thrive in inner city areas which are abundant in a nutritious and easily-acquired source of food (i.e. humans).

Oh, I am aware there may be problems with adaption to their new environment. But I believe these can be overcome. If care is taken to locate the bears in cities with major rivers, they will be able to indulge their passion for swimming, whilst if the warmer climatic zones are avoided, I consider that the existence of air conditioned shopping malls and office blocks should provide the bears with the ability to cool off if they become overheated. Their white pelts will rapidly dull to a dirty grey due to pollution, rendering them far less visible. And this policy will have the triple benefit of establishing the bears in a stable environment, reducing the over-abundant population of the common nuisance, Homo sapiens, and bringing home to people the implications of global warming in a new and vivid manner. One takes the possibility of sea level rises in 50 years’ time far less seriously than the probability of being torn apart by a seven foot carnivore on your way to the corner shop.

Some of you may object that this proposal exposes cities in the temperate and cold zones of the world to rampaging bears, whilst leaving the settlements of the torrid zone at peace. Not so; I have plans for these cities too.

We have to find a new home for the tiger population, after all.