Well, thank goodness that's all sorted out.

Well , luckily, the swift action and decisive leadership of Her Majesty's Government have saved the day. It was becoming perfectly clear that our initial strategy (rely on America to sort everything out) had not succeeded. Our second strategy (rely on Iceland to sort everything out) proved even worse. So it became necessary to Act.

Obviously I was involved. I am not at liberty to discuss matters in detail, but I think I am giving away nothing when I say that it's not the first time I've been woken in the small hours by a Prime Minister at his wit's end. They had the plan, he said. The banks were all clear, it was ready to go. But where on earth were they to raise the money without taking on crippling public debt? Quick as a flash, I directed him to several credit card companies offering zero interest on balance transfers. "Borrow it all on the "Special Account Amex" (the one we use to pay for unmarked black helicopters etc) I said, and then transfer the balance immediately. After six months, transfer again and your money troubles are over. "

I don't think I've ever heard Young Gordon sound so relieved. He even acknowledged I was right about the Gold Standard in the 20s (too late, of course, but gratifying to an old man). No good, I always said, would ever come of fiat money. A pernicious whig notion which was, in my view, directly linked to the loss of Economic hegemony and subsequently, of Empire.

But I digress, as we old stagers are prone to. I was (I will admit) surprised to see the PM blaming reckless, extravagant American banks for the whole problem - but in some ways it was a relief. Thank God none of our people were involved!

All I can say to the chastened American Financial sector is I hope all you young scamps have bally well learned your lesson! Ne'er a borrower nor a lender be, as my dear mother used to say. We don't want your reconditioned one-careful-owner-as new sub prime mortgages and CDOs and so on. We don't want your reckless sauve qui peut capitalism. We don't want your deranged fetishisation of the market. And, no matter what anyone else says, I still have not forgiven you for "business casual."

But on the other hand we do want your business so don't you worry, chaps - carry on as you like.