Old Springheel's Almanack

The signs are right, the mystic veil has slipped asunder, and (by means of an arcane process involving corpse-fat candles, a human skull, tailor's chalk, a length of pure black worsted, a copy of Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs Guidelines for the Perplexed, a pot of tea and some rather agreeable sandwiches) I have been vouchsafed a vision of the future. Here, then, are my Economic predictions for the coming year.

Interest rates will continue to fall until they become negative. Savers will be forced to pay steadily increasing sums to deposit their money with banks. Manufacturers of mattresses, old jars, tins and strongboxes will also start to charge fees. Retailers will add a charge to prices to cover the cost of banking their takings. People with money will eventually be forced to conceal their assets not just from tax authorities but from banks, savings companies, shops, and street beggars, all of whom could levy charges on them.

Despite this, deflation will worsen exponentially, triggering massive price and wage cuts. By the end of the year the average salary will be only 1% of the current level. Governments will be forced to start production of extremely small denomination coins and notes, some of which will be for values which can only be discerned with a microscope.

However, in Zimbabwe, the inflation rate will stabilise at a comfortable 1,000,000% p.a.

House prices will also fall to negative figures. This will trigger a crime wave as innocent citizens find themselves subjected to the forcible transfer of property deeds by desperate vendors. Several deaths will result as people struggle to prevent themselves becoming the owners of particularly large assets. Passengers dozing off on public transport will awake to find themselves possessors of vast property empires, the deeds for houses, shopping malls, office blocks etc having been hastily crammed into their pockets or baggage whilst they slept. Lost property offices, rubbish bins and the gutters of streets will be choked with deeds and covenants.

Having failed to refinance, the United Kingdom will be taken over by Tesco plc on 4 August 2009, with the county of Surrey being the final branch to re-brand. Controversy will follow Tesco's decision to close twelve counties down as "unviable" and make the populations redundant.

The United States Government will introduce a scheme exempting people from taxes for up to five years if they buy a car, any car, from Ford, Chrysler or General Motors. These manufacturers will immediately seek massive public investment to cope with the anticipated increase in demand.

I shall speak again soon, astonishing you with my knowledge of the future.

My clients are myriad and include Heads of State, Aristocracy, Celebrities and Sporting Personalities. Private consultations are available (fifty guineas a half hour, special rates for parties).

Old Springheel knows All.